Been an odd couple of days. Have this constant niggling in my head, like I've left the cooker on, or there's a bill that should have been paid, or a meeting I didn't remember to go to. It's been driving me mad.
It's dawned on me this morning as I got an e mail from my 11 year old son's school, announcing what time he'd be back from the annual school trip, that I may be having detachment issues.
Don't get me wrong, I didn't cry when he went on the school trip or plead with him to take care. I may have nagged him slightly about teeth brushing and deodorant wearing, and suggested how he put laundry in one bag and keep clean clothes in the other, but I didn't think I was clingy. And I definitely didn't make one, single, comment about how I couldn't even call him on the phone for almost three whole days
Since he's been gone, I haven't sighed to my husband or my 6 year old about how I wish he was home. I haven't commented on how quiet the house is. I haven't let myself get into the place where I worry that he's sleeping alright, that he's eating properly, that he's taking care of himself. I haven't focussed on how much I want him to be happy.
But as I look over the photographs the school are diligently sending on of the kids on the trip, I find myself hoping that when he put on that sweatshirt this morning, he remembered I packed it for him because I wanted him to be warm. When I see him sitting down for lunch, I hope he's chosen vegetables because it's important to be healthy. Looking at him settling down for the night in his sleeping bag, I hope that he closed his eyes knowing how very much he is loved.
The school say this trip is absolutely instrumental in developing the confidence to allow independent growth.
And I get that.
But for me or for him...