I have toothache. Actually I'm not sure if I have toothache. Yes I am. No I'm not. See?
There's something going on with a crown-bridge combo in my mouth and it could either be a passing issue or something more sinister.
Point is, toothache is toothache and I'm cranky.
Therefore, for my safety and the safety of those around me, I am wearing a lot of pink.
But, Lynn, isn't pink a ridiculously girly color?
Yes it is and that is why I'm wearing it.
It's impossible to take anyone too seriously when they're wearing pink.
It makes your skin look all fresh and it has a look of all summer innocence, and pretty flowers and...it's a color that if you're not careful, can make you look faintly ridiculous (that's why golfers wear it). Someone in pink swearing at you is like being cursed at by a giant hydrangea. Ridiculous but not menacing.
So, if you were to meet some pink attired lady with a grumpy expression caused by something like...say...for example, toothache and she's a little short tempered with you, it's not that bad really.
You could say I'm being pink-ist or say that i'm not fooling anyone. You could. But I've warned you, I have toothache.
And I'm blaming the toothache for me even reading about Ian Brady - working on the "Distract yourself from something horrible by looking at something more odious" theory.
Now if you don't know who Ian Brady, it's pretty simple. He's a child killer. Oh for sure he's been painted as a crazed troubled soul. An evil manipulator. As all manner of things that make him more exciting/interesting than he really is.
But he's a common killer, who brought immeasurable grief and suffering into a whole load of innocent people's lives when he, and his accomplice, kidnapped children, because they were smaller and weaker than him, then tortured and murdered them and buried them in Saddlemouth Moor, near Manchester, UK during the 1960s.
Brady and Hindley. Their crimes were so horrific, my parents didn't like their names mentioned in our house, like the very sounds polluted the air and left a stench you'd want to bleach out of the room.
So Brady is currently having this tribunal, because he'd like to be released from a psychiatric hospital because he doesn't like it there. He wants to go back to prison instead, and so he's trying to prove he's not insane.
And I know what you're thinking, because I am too.
Who gives a rat's ass what he wants? He's not a freakin' rock star.
But in his tribunal -the first time he's spoken publicly since 1966 - Brady explained how he's spent his time: He's read Plato, and memorized pieces from Shakespeare, mentioning how he knows the works of Stanislavsky.
Wow. You think someone that smart, would know that being pretentious, doesn't negate murdering kids.
There's no photographs or live video coverage of the hearing but the court drawings are addictive. This guy has supposedly been on hunger strike for 14 years, yet he's surprisingly tubby (and when I say "tubby" I don't just mean tubby for a hunger striker, I mean tubby for a three meals a day, meat-potatoes-two-veg diet)
Then it transpires he enjoys toast in the morning.
Bloody hell, if that's hunger strike, I've been a hunger striker for years.
Honestly, if it weren't for the horrific deaths of those kids, and the unbearable torture he inflicted on Winnie Johnson, he would be nothing more than a ridiculous buffoon. Without the 'evil' persona, nothing but a pathetic, inconsequential idiot.
Maybe he's not insane after all.
His defense argue that he has a narcissistic personality disorder, the hospital label him a dangerous, paranoid schizophrenic - one argues sane, the other insane.
I actually don't care.
Toothache is toothache.
I reckon he should stay where he is (because why should he get to choose?)
And learn how to stick to his diet (cheaters never win)
And before he shuffles off the last breath of his, pretty appalling, mortal coil, he should justify the mistake of his existence, by telling Keith Bennett's family where his body is.
In between times, he would be allowed to further enjoy the works of Shakespeare, Plato and Stanislavsky in the certain knowledge that all three of these great masters, would regard him as a complete prick.
Obviously though, I'm not the judge. I'm just an angry woman wearing pink.